Last night’s dreams were awful – it was a laundry line of everything that causes me severe insecurity:
Physical, career, and relationships.
It’s not good mental health practice or me to detail it here at this moment in time, but suffice to say when I woke up I had that emotionally and physically drained feeling which only three things could begin to resolve.
A long shower
Usually when I feel like crap, a long shower, a deliberate cry (try it, it’s cathartic) can make me start to feel better. The tension is released and I can face things again; but as I said, I was feeling emotionally drained. This was a job for Spotify.
Oftentimes when I am feeling awful or sad I listen to Talk Sport, or French LW radio because I associate music with emotions and don’t want them resurrected when I hear that song again. That’s why it was the right thing to do this morning – to feel something, not the emptiness and uselessness I felt when I woke up. A big thank you to Alanis, Counting Crows, the casts of Hamilton and Pitch Perfect, Dusty, The Hollies, and Phil Collins. You won’t see me on X-Factor, but I’m not gonna lie – I can sing.
A girl gotta belt.
While not singing I was able to think. To work out what had made me dream those things and could I do anything about it immediately? No, not really. Then I need to bring back the *click* where I disappear those insecurities or problems and they can all go fuckitty bye for now.
I thought rationally and logically, and managed to stop the self comparison, and insecurity.
I have a proper coffee machine and after a fair few weeks of practise (no, WordPress that is not a spelling error. Spelling it with a “c” is a noun or professional practice. To spell it with an “s” is verb), I have managed to make a great cup of coffee with hot, frothy milk.
I drank this in the kitchen belting out more music and making one for AWT.
I don’t feel better, as in, I am not cured – but I feel like I made practical steps to changing things and it worked a bit.
Yeesh – life is hard!