Come to the Ca-boob-ray

“Thank you, Heather, thank you so much”

That is what you will be saying at the end of this post, because you will realise that if you have been breast feeding in public – you’ve probably been doing it all wrong. This handy guide will help you sort that out and avoid any further embarrassment.

If you’re not breast feeding, but see someone in public without the following kit, this guide is to help you show them where they are going wrong – every mother likes to be told how wrong they are doing something by strangers and family-members alike, so she will welcome your comments.

For instance, some mothers may think that the needs of their baby – like feeding – are the most important thing when it comes to breast feeding in public, but WOW are they wrong.

Your Guide to Ostentatious Breast Feeding

Step 1
Before you leave the house, be sure that you are wearing attire similar to this:

carnival costumeI

If you don’t own an outfit like the one above, it’s clear that you have your priorities wrong, and clearly need this guide. If you own something equally flamboyant, or if you are able to transfigure yourself into a peacock with boobs, that’s also very helpful.
Keep this outfit in your bag, then before starting to feed, go to the toilet and change into it – that’s what people mean when they say women should “go to the bathroom” when they see them feeding their babies in public – it’s because you haven’t changed into your carnival attire and everyone around you is embarrassed for you. Seriously, will you never think of others?

Step 2
Did you put “Fanfare” on your baby shower wish list? NO?! Goodness this is worse than I thought.

Ok, Google some musicians forthwith so that you can employ them to play this just before you begin the feed.

This will alert the entire venue you have chosen for your display to the fact you are about to begin. It will usually command a short period of silence – during this time you can ask each and every person present for permission to feed your baby – if anyone objects, well pack up your bags and move along.
Don’t worry if the noise startles your baby or if they begin to scream with hunger as you move to a more suitable place – a corner perhaps, he or she will soon get used to it. Please, stop being concerned over this child’s needs – you’re going to ruin them with love if you’re not too careful.

Step 3
Ask a nearby person if they would mind holding one of these for you:

portable spotlight

They should point it directly at you and make sure that everyone has heard the fanfare and given permission for you to feed your child. If the light is glaring and baby squints uncomfortably, consider getting a blanket for baby’s face. It’s often what people mean when they say “Use a cover, no one wants to see that” they mean that baby’s mug is getting in the way of the breast show. This display is all about you anyway, that baby is just distracting people from your clear efforts to show off your breasts.

Of course, it’s more helpful to bring one of these with you:

neon arrow

but if you’re one of those terrible women who are single mothers, you might not be able to lug it around on your own, or install it, because let’s face it, you’re only a female, aren’t you, dear?

Step 4

Once baby has finished breast feeding, you can probably expect a round of applause, possibly flowers being thrown at you, certainly an Olivier nomination.

Yes, of course I’m joking, this is not a serious post and should not be inferred as such. If you think I’m serious, you’re being silly.

Breast feeding is a choice mothers make for themselves and their children – so is artificial feeding. If the person complaining did not grow the child inside their own body, they don’t get to be on the list of people for consideration of that decision.

Nigel Farage had one thing right about using the word “ostentatious” – the definition reads:
“characterized by pretentious or showy display; designed to impress.”

and guess what? When someone is breast feeding you should be impressed – they are making food with their body and using that food to feed the child they grew inside them.

What’s your super power?

Media links used in this post:
Carnival Outfit

Farage Story (don’t worry, it’s a link to The Independent)

Heather xx


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